"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.""A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
"Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough."
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
"Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"Don't part with your illusions. when they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time."
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."
"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place."
"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know."
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language."
"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination."
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them."
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
"It is easier to stay out than get out."
"It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you."
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
"It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it."
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry."
"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice."
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
"Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours."
"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read."
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one."
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
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